Mind Games

Fat Batman

Sometimes, I wonder if I have body dysmorphic disorder.

As a kid, I used to run and play outside all the time. I even used to challenge myself to Dune-style prana-bindu exercises where I would try to flex randomly chosen muscles. Somewhere around the time I entered middle school, though, I lost it. I started reading more and playing more video games, and in general became passive and fat. I lost a lot of proprioception, and would bump things more often, not realizing that I had gotten larger. That became the new normal for me for a long time, until one day I just got fed up with how bad things had gotten.

Since my weight-training program started, though, I have not felt like I have changed much – my mental image of myself is still in fat-mode. Part of that is my early focus on weight, but even using measuring tape is not great since I seem to have stalled out in that department. I know body recomposition, which is my primary goal right now, is hard to measure, but it is still discouraging.

Some friends and family have complimented my progress, but I always wonder if their mental image of me is “stuck” the way my own is. Recently, though, some people meeting me for the first time have asked if I work out, so I guess there is some objective evidence that something is working right, even if I do not see it.

Does this mean my body image is just lagging behind reality, as it did when I was getting big? Do I just not notice the changes because I cannot appreciate the minuscule daily changes in the mirror? Or do I have a deeper and possibly more permanent mind-body disconnect?

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4 thoughts on “Mind Games

  1. It’s hard to see the real you sometimes. Especially when society is always telling us that we’re not good enough as is. Just do what feels good for you. Let your happiness shine and you can’t go wrong. Fat or thin, as long as you’re having fun and loving life, nothing else matters. 🙂

  2. Pingback: Get a Grip | Batman To Be

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